How to Date: Dating Etiquette 101
Let me preface this post by saying this: I avoided the idea of bringing my dating issues back to the blog, but alas, the thought was relentless.
Date after date, interaction after interaction, it has become vividly clear that a lot of single men, who are “in-market” for.. a girlfriend, wife or something(?)…really lack the basic understanding of etiquette and especially as it pertains to dating.
That said, I’ll start with a short story.
A guy, whom I met on a dating app, asked if we could go out one night after work. He’s from the Bronx, but he agreed to meet me in Brooklyn, since it’s closer to where I reside. Since he didn’t really know the lay of the land, he also asked if I had any places for us to go in mind.
Now, I’m going to sidebar for a second to share that I typically like for guys to choose the restaurant, and my logic here is simple: they know what they can afford.
That said, I always have a recommendation, and since he asked, I was happy to share a few.
“There’s Peaches on Lewis Avenue, Woodland on Flatbush, Soco on Myrtle,” and so on and so forth, I told him.
I gave him a range of options, so that he could check out the menu(read: do some of the work himself), and get back to me. His response?
“Oh you want dinner, dinner.”
….I’m not lying…see below.
“Small appetizer.” Comedy.
This is just…tacky, among other things, but mostly just tacky as hell. Aside from this being your first interaction with a person, who wants to go out, after 7pm and not grab anything to eat? What’s the cost difference between drinks and food in Brooklyn..$5-$7?
I think another thing here, which isn’t pictured, is that after this, he began to intentionally name bars(yeah, he was suddenly able to look), which weren’t really equipped to serve food. So, even if I were to take him up on his offer, I couldn’t order my own self food. #theghetto
I even texted my brother, cousin, and girlfriends to get a second opinion and, well…let’s just say they agreed.
So, that’s the story.
Let’s get into this etiquette.
First-date Etiquette:
Payment. Some of ya’ll ain’t gone like this, but as for me and my house, the man is responsible for the first date. I learned this at a very young age, and I’m sticking to it. Periodt.
Now, at its barest bones, this can be chalked up to tradition, and it falls into the “women are to be courted by men” ideology. This considered, from a basic etiquette perspective, it also just makes sense, assuming he asked you of course(going to dive into this further below).
The caveat is this: while I was taught to go into these situations with the intent that I’m dealing with a properly, raised gentleman, I was also taught to bring my wallet and ask if he wants to split the check. Why? Well, one out of courtesy, but also two, the expectation is this young man knows better than to make me, a damsel in pursuit, pay for an evening he invited me to enjoy. If he falls below the mark and turns out to be, in fact, a busta, I need to be able to handle my own.
Physical Touch. A little hug goes a long way. Everybody has their own rules, but I actually really appreciate dating gentlemen, who wait until date 3, 4 or 5 to go in for a kiss. If the attraction is strong, and both parties want to engage, by all means, we [are] grown; go for it. However, I have to be honest and say that I find it a bit inappropriate to assume your date wants to swap saliva/germs with you, a stranger, when they know nothing about you… =/
Conversation. “Never talk about money. It’s tacky”
I once went on a date with a sweetheart. Really, he had a good heart, but 20 minutes into the conversation he started talking about money and bills. While finances are important and should be discussed at some point, it’s really not necessary on the first date. If your date learns your salary is significantly lower than hers and your ambition to make those changes really isn’t there, this could definitely be a deterrent from any future you have together. On the flip side, if you start the date talking about your six-figure salary and all of what you got, I’m going to have to question what you don’t.
Personally, I like to share and learn about hobbies and interests, spiritual belief systems, passion points and other attributions that might signal potential longevity with an individual.
Timeliness. “If you’re 5 minutes early, you’re on time. You’re late, if you’re on time”
Listen, whether it’s the first or 5th date, you need to be on time. Time is money, sleep and a whole bunch of other things that any adult woman or man would rather be doing than waiting on you. Of course, things happen, and in that case, give notice, but if this is your routine, you need to plan ahead.
Subsequent dates
Any outing initiated after the first-date should traditionally fall to the person, who initiated that date. Yes, that’s right. This goes back to basic etiquette(the key theme here). If you enjoy spending time with this young man or woman, and they haven’t asked you out, but you’ve been in constant contact and you want to see them: Ask them to something that you don’t mind paying for, because it’s on you sis. :)
On this note, I would say the “and” is important. Please don’t ask the person, who should be pursuing you, to spend time, if they’re not already giving you the time or attention you not only want but also deserve. You do NOT want someone who misses the mark to be your husband one day…or I don’t at least. But, do what you want.
All that said, while this is traditional, I really love it when I’m dating a man, who will not let me reach for my wallet. I don’t know the psychology behind security, but that’s how I would describe the feeling I get when a man wants to foot the bill every/majority of the time.
I guess it’s like, when a man - who by the way will be expected to lead and provide for me and my house one day - demonstrates his commitment to me and proves he is willing to sacrifice for me, then I know that man is worthy of my support. Most women are naturally givers, and we’d love to do nice things to treat our princes. The thing is it’s hard to distinguish the frogs from the princes in the beginning, so to avoid giving everything and having nothing, it’s good to feel it out first. :)
App Etiquette goes like this:
If you’re the pursuer, say hello first…unless it’s Bumble. In that case, your job is to help own that conversation. On other apps, like Hinge, definitely follow this rule. Otherwise, if you invite me to start the chat, I’m unmatching you.
Nobody wants to text a person they don’t know for more than…2 days. Ask for a date. I’ve noticed guys like to start conversations that allude to meeting up, but never actually put the ask out there. If you want it, go for it. I’m not asking you.
Don’t ask for the person’s number unless you plan to call. It’s irrational to go from texting in one environment to another.
Getchoassoffofit if you aren’t looking to meet a partner.
All in all, etiquette is a MUST. While this was written from a heteronormative perspective, both women and men are paying attention to how you’re carrying yourself in dating environment. In our younger days, I would say these were more acceptable mistakes, but I can also confidently say I never had problems with this stuff before I became an adult woman. Do better. It’s a win for everybody.