“Toi, you and Roxy are some sad excuses for bad b*tches.” - Dee

It was a sunny, warm day in the Spring of 2010, when Dee and I were walking to our cars in the early afternoon. Dee was my classmate, friend and a little bit of a jokester, who inserted his opinions on certain issues whenever he felt led(read: often). We were part of the work study release program, so two days during the week, the let out was at 1pm.

On this afternoon, he was making yet another case for why me and my bestie, who’s name is not actually Roxy, were simply not living up to the debauchery and “get back” that we could get away with as pretty girls or just…girls.

In his mind, we ain’t have no NO [comma] BUSINESS being sad about lukewarm relationships, let alone waiting around and offering loyalty in exchange for unbecoming behavior.

He felt strongly about this, and rarely missed an opportunity to let us, or me at least, know.

“Listen to me,” he would say before going on to lecture that we were just “doing it all wrong” and could, in his words, “get whoever we wanted.”

It was a confidence boost, and his empathy was appreciated but I’ma be honest…Wasn’t nobody studyin’ what he was sayin.’ lol

We were lover girls.

I, in my Olivia Pope voice, was a lover girl.

That was just it.

Now, 20 something odd years later, I randomly find myself returning to that moment in the parking lot, frequently, whenever I’m down about a failed love interest.

“You a sad excuse for a bad b*tch,” I think to myself in his voice before laughing at the memory.

The lover girl in me is finally coming out of a period, where I was extremely heartbroken and lonely, and I have gone from asking why would someone want to treat me that way to where even did the time go.

It feels like I went to sleep one, cold, February night and woke up to a warm, humid day in June.

I knew what I was doing when I wrapped it up, and I knew I was doing it for good, but I forgot how painful it felt to detach from someone you care about and experience the heartache that comes with withdrawing.

It’s for the birds!

Now that I’m on the other side, I have come to a few realizations that I just want to impress upon you, my loyal reader:

It is what it is. That’s it. It took me a long time to come to this, but once the pain goes away it’s easier to accept the outcome for what it is. For context, I really see myself as the one, independent of anything or anybody else. Like, I’m her, so, when someone comes into my life and treats me in a manner incongruent with how I view myself, I feel shocked; bewildered. I have been in a perpetual state of disbelief, but alas, all is not lost. I am her, but I ain’t for everybody and everybody ain’t for me. That’s it.
What one man won’t do? Another one will. My homegirl likes to say, “miss one next 15 one coming.” It’s the same. I gave up the one I wanted badly - real bad - and God sent me three more, who did all the things I needed, right after. They greeted me in the morning, called or Facetimed me daily, planned dates, and made me feel like a priority. None of them lasted, because I was just in too much pain to fake the funk, but the proof was in the pudding. I wasn’t asking for too much.
I miss when men were sorry. This is important. lol Like, men really do not be sorry for messing up anymore, and the worst thing you can be is careless about the way you handle me. I’ve been listening to T.I. a lot, and hearing him beg for forgiveness reminded me how as long as I have been a woman, men have been….men. I don’t say this to absolve them of harmful behavior that they have been conditioned to think is ok. I’m saying this to say, they at least used to give a damn. Bring back #traditional men that apologized and showed up at your house throwing rocks at your window, when they made mistakes. Need that.
I’ll always be a lover girl, but oh baby…I’m getting strategic.

I manifested earlier in the process that the sun would shine again, while I was still in the pit of darkness, but I can honestly say the sun is shining and I’m ready to come out and play.